Saturday, April 9, 2011

Answers to Snarky Questions

As promised I'm going to limber up and take my best shot at answering those impertinent whipper-snappers' obnoxious questions about Jesus.  I'm purposly keeping my answers short, since they're kids:

1. Why didn't baby Jesus zap King Herod?


For one thing, because he was a baby. The whole idea of God becoming a human is that he had to go through all the stuff we humans do.  He wasn't just a grown up God disguised as a baby -- he was a real baby, with a real baby mind and body. At this point, Jesus wasn't thinking of anything beyond eating and sleeping.

2. Did baby Jesus hold off zapping Herod because he knew when Herod got to hell he could roast him till his eyeballs exploded?

Same answer as above. He wasn't even aware of Herod, he just wanted a nap. But just in case you're wondering, Jesus will take no joy at the idea of anybody being in Hell, Herod included.

3.Why does God only give the Sun 15000000000000000 (??) years before it dies?

That's just an estimate by scientists incidentally, not something you find God saying. But if that's an accurate number it's because the Sun is physical thing and all physical things run down eventually -- not just stars.  If you're looking for something that lasts forever, you need to move over into God's realm, commonly called Heaven.

4. Why didn't Jesus shapeshift into a Roman so he could kill them all without anyone suspecting?

Because, as you'll notice, he wasn't there to kill anybody -- through shapeshifting or any other method. Jesus was there for an entirely different reason.

5. If somebody took a rocket to Heaven and punched Jesus in the face would Jesus deck him? Or would he say, "Oooo, I forgive you?"

You can't reach Heaven in a rocket, first of all. Heaven isn't another place in the universe, it's entirely outside the universe.  Second, assuming you could fly temporarily to Heaven, the angels would probably stop you before you ever got close to Jesus. But third, assuming Jesus waved the angels aside and let you take your best shot for some reason, what did he do when he was on Earth and the Roman soldiers punched him?  He'd do the same thing now.  There's a place in the Bible were it says, "Jesus is the same yesterday, today, and forever."  So don't expect him to act differently just because he's back in Heaven now.

6. Wasn't it a bit selfish of humankind for Jesus to die for us?

Yeah, that's why he did it, among other reasons.

7. Couldn't Jesus have done it a different way, such as writing a letter to everyone warning them to be good or something very bad would happen to them?

He tried that; the letter (a rather long one) is the Bible. It also records how it made precious little difference to the way most people really live. Nope, regrettably what Jesus had to do was the only way it could be done.

8. When he was crucified why didn't Jesus ask God to send a meteorite to kill all the soldiers?

The soldiers, as Jesus said during his crucifixion, didn't really know what they were doing. Jesus was there to be crucified. Killing Herod, soldiers, Pontius Pilate, the Emperor or anybody else would not only be selfish and petty (which Jesus was as far from as possible) but wouldn't help Jesus accomplish his purpose at all.

9. If Jesus was the most precious thing to God, why did he kill him?

Actually, we killed him.  And Jesus was quite clear that he purposely allowed that to happen: "Nobody takes my life from me," he told people. "I have the authority to lay it down and I have the authority to take it back again."

10. Would Jesus forgive somebody that stole his mobile phone?


11. What would Jesus do if a Polar Bear attacked him? (NOTE: "Zap it" is the wrong answer because Polar Bears are virtually extinct. There are only 5 left.)

Well, I suppose he could miraculously create a tranquilizer dart gun and put the Polar Bear to sleep. But if Jesus was anything like one of his most famous students, St. Francis of Assisi, the Polar Bear would probably lay down at Jesus' feet and want to have his ears scratched.

OK, so now that I've answered you kid's questions, you answer one of mine: Who in the world has been teaching you all this wrongheaded information about Jesus anyway? 

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